1 year of war: 'I say I'm fine, but I'm not'
After one year of war, Ukraine as a country is torn between resilience and devastation. But what did the war do to Ukrainian students at Saxion? How are they doing? How did one year of war change them? And (how) do they keep hope? Three portraits. First up, Anna Babilua, third-year Fashion & Textile Technologies (FTT) student. "I built a wall, where I pretend I am happy and everything is fine," she says.
When someone asks her how she is doing, Anna Babilua acts. "I pretend I'm fine. Make it seem like everything is okay. And I say that too. But it's not."
It's not just the mood swings caused by the continuous developments. The joy she had before the war, she no longer has. She also feels it in her daily life. She still works, eats, studies and sleeps, but, "Nothing feels the same, I don't have fun anymore, I can't laugh the same way, nothing brings me joy like before the war."
Not talking
Is she in a depression? "Maybe," she says. "But the point is: we Ukrainians don't really talk about mental health. All my friends have these feelings, but we don't talk about them. For me, maybe it's the fear of losing myself in emotions."
The war changed her priorities. From first-hand experience, she discovered what real friends were, and in her case, real family, as she calls it. Anna has many relatives in Crimea, and they deal with the war differently than she does. Now, she hardly talks with her grandparents anymore. "The war changed a lot in my family in that respect," she says.
It makes her less likely to let people get close. "After all, in a situation like this, you really get to know people."
Also, she no longer talks to people in the same way. For her internship, she just moved to Amsterdam, so she meets a lot of new people. When they hear she is from Ukraine, the conversation changes instantly. "Then they become polite, and they ask how I'm doing. That changes the moment, and my feelings. Again; there is no longer the same pleasure, but I know how to hide it well. I'm 19, but I suddenly feel a lot older, 25 or so."
Being sure
Only when her parents helped her move, from Enschede to Amsterdam, a piece of the wall she built around herself came down. "I build that wall, where I pretend I'm happy, everything is good. But nothing is good. I felt, as my mother waved goodbye: nothing is good. My mother is in Italy, my father in Ukraine. I don't want them to have to live on this way."
Whether she still has hope for the future? The period of hope was mostly in the beginning, now she is past that. "We are used to this now. I no longer hope we will win, I am sure of this, especially with all the support from Europe and other countries. We have already won."